Long time no type.

I haven't written in this blog for a good year. It's technically christmas eve now, so two posts ago I had written on christmas eve last year when I was rejected by Loucas. I won't go into to much detail, but he's doing very well. I miss him very much, I wouldn't consider him much of a friend, we never really did talk after that, but he did move quite a few states away. So, things happen. It's life, what am I supposed to do about it. But yeah, Merry Christmas.

I remember writing here how scared I was to go into the 7th grade, how I didn't want things to change. Now all I want is to be changed, to change, to be considered normal for once. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. Not yet. Soon enough. I just gotta enjoy this holiday.

But yah now being here in 8th grade it's difficult, mentally more than academically. I'm getting A's and B's, rather than C's and D's, like last year. I'd say this is quite and improvement. I've gotten better at hiding my depression with fake smiles, laughs, love and hugs. I still don't feel like I get any of it back. I hit 3 months no cutting the other day, I was proud of myself. I've wanted to many times but I haven't and it really is a since of pride. A major accomplishment someone like me can make.

I also promised myself I wouldn't go to the library ever again, but I lied because I still spend a lot of time there. I'm hoping I can limit myself to just going on thursdays now just to change out books. There was some Drama going on and I just don't wanna deal with people like them anymore. It's not worth my time and frustration. No one here is worth the pain they cause anymore, choosing between being myself and being what seems to fit in. I don't like to have to make that decision.

But yeah, I will be leaving this town. I will be going somewhere new. Soon enough it will be high school. Soon enough it will be college. and who knows, maybe i'll be with child, I hope not to soon though haha.

Merry Christmas Guys.
Cya.

I got the best Christmas present I could ask for. I got someone who loves me. I hope he loves me at least. I last updated on Christmas eve.. and i don't know how many days it is after.. and I don't know how many days I've been talking to this boy.. not many.. but it seems like I've known him for years.. his charming words..and his sincerity have me already falling head over heals for him. I can't stand going through this again. I can't take being so worried that he's gonna hurt me. If he hurts me.. I don't know what will happen. I have such an urge to stay closed up.. and just hide. Hide from everything he's putting in front of me, but the other half of me wants to open up and let him in. Let him know everything about me, let him love me, and let me love him. I'm just scared, scared of what could be lies... What could be a mistake. Because guess what side is winning... My dreams about him are so detailed... the one I had tonight.. He sat there and held me. He held me tightly as I gently weeped. He told me that there is no reason to cry, no reason to be upset. Rubbing my back.. thats all it was. I was only asleep for an half an hour, and I hated that I woke up. I barely have slept at all tonight. I know i'm always ranting on about someone.. but I feel so different. I don't feel comfortable but I do at the same time. I feel like he cares. That's never happened before, its so new to me... I'm a hidden angel. When he said that to me, Warm tears went down my cheeks. I looked up and the ceiling and cried in silence, just like i had in the dream. I wish i could hear his voice, touch his skin, feel his lips pressed up against mine, I wish he really could hold me tightly, and tell me that life will be better now that I'm his, and I promised myself that I will make that happen someday.. I don't wanna lose him. I really hope he feels the same way. I love you.. I don't love you... I can't love you.. Why do I love you.. but oh yes I do.. I love you so much.. so much it hurts... I know what a crush is.. but I haven't even seen his face.. I've fallen for his words... Where's the parachute.. I need to slow down.. but the rush is so appealing to me. If I'm falling, I never wanna stop. I wanna stay like this in mid air, looking at the stats shimmering in the sky, with you right by my side. I'm glad I added you, I'm glad I got the courage to ask so many questions, I'm glad you make me feel so good about myself, and for once in my life, I can look at myself and say, "I'm loved." Even if its a lie.. keep pretending. Please just keep pretending.. it hurts so good. Take a knife and slash my wrists, beat me till I fall numb to the floor, I will suffer through nose bleeds, black eyes, broken ribs, bruises, anything you need to do... just to be with you... but.... even if you don't love me... just be happy... so I know that you're okay.. even if you're not with me.

He gave me an early answer. Today. He told me he had come up with an answer, and I told him to tell me what he had come up with. Exact words he said this..

"Ok kyleigh Your really nice. And I wanna be friends. But right now. At this point in time. i dont wanna date you. I can tell I will in the future. I promise But right now I don't want a relationship beyond friends with you. but itll happen someday i swear. And i still wanna be friends. But right now as it is I don't wanna ruin anything. itd be good to go out. But i think we could be really really good friends. And I dont wanna ruin that potential. I hope you understand."

It hurt. He was so sweet about it to. I don't know why, I'm positive he doesn't care about me. No one has ever cared about me. I've never trusted anyone enough to let them in, but people seem to put their trust in me. Why was he so nice... Why Couldn't he just say no and let it be at that?

He's still coming to the mall on sunday though. Best part? I'm giving him a ride. How wonderful is that. More days were I pretend I'm okay, but in my mind, i'm dieing. Breaking apart.

As you can tell this christmas eve isn't going so well. My mom is running low on money, but i guess the step dad i hate o so much helped us pull through. I hate him, but if my moms happy because of him I owe him alot.

I got reminded of my favorite dream.. where im in a meadow.. laying down.. singing..

~Todays memory might not be the fondest, but its not something i can regret, i gave it a try, i gave it a try, it didn't work out in my favor, but i did the best that i could, i gave it a try I gave it a try... just as i should.~

I'm not a good writer hah.. I never have been, i like writing though, its more of an outlit than something I wanna be good at. Its to express myself, not to be better than everyone else. Its just what I wanna be doing... all the time. I like the way some words sound together.
Grown and known.

Todays problems have grown..
but its all my fault..
I should have known...
He was not to trust
I let him in to fast.
Take me away noww.

I'm in tears right now, for some reason, its a mystery. I'm listening to Remembering sunday by all time low. I love them, for an unknown reason. Thats the song of the post by the way. Meaning I'm going to be ending this soon. I haven't written this much for a while, and i'm sorry i'm in such a bad mood. It's just the way I am.. I should appreciate what I have... each bad event will turn itself into a good one.. You gotta get through the rain to see a rainbow.. and I can just feel it.. I'm so close to the warmth of the sun.. and the beauty of the colors in the sky. I'm just a heartbeat a way... Time to push away whats holding me back.

Merry Christmas.

Kyleigh.

AHH! :( ITS SO AMLL

Sorry is this has alot of typo's because its really confusing me the screen is looking really small I just have a lot to say right now, I'm like extremely svcared.

I told you i gave up on Aidan right? Well when he's put me through all this shit I decided it would be better if me and him are just friends.

But theres a new person in my life. OMG SOMEONE OTHER THAN AIDAN? Yes there is. It's different for me to.

I would say his name but i don't wanna make that mistake again. But i did ask him out and he said maybe. and hes gonna tell me yes or no on sunday. I want sunday to come. Like now. Well this is really annoying me so i'll make a second post later today when i figure out how to fix this..?

...

How much do you want my hair? Alot. Of course you do. For once I'm actually happy with the way I look, and life is going decently okay. I never really post anymore, sorry:( I use tumblr sometimes but its just not the same as classic old blogpost. I got this done earlier today, and everyone seems to like it:) Its something new, something.... different, ya know?

Life is a happy thing. It can be. Well not really. ITS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! Hahah off topic but I'm excited, I'm gonna get hair dye to put streaks in my hair 2. I look alot older now, but i guess in a way I am older.

The song of this post is Dying to survive which is really touching to me and helped me in my time of need.
I have nothing to really put as a poem, I've been writing raps lately but they really suck as most of the stuff I do does. :)

Ttyl<3

Some people want it all...

But I don't want nothing it all,
If it aint you baby,
If I aint got you baby..
Some people want diamond rings..
Some just want everythang..
But everythang mean nothing..
If i aint got you...


I shouldn't be ashamed..I have not one reason to be ashamed of who I am.. I am who I am for a reason, and I was put on this world for someone, and when I find that someone I'll look back and laugh on how i was in such of a hurry to find them...

I love you already..

Give up on love..
Then love can come..
and sweep you off your feet.
Like the wind takes the leaves away...

A towel lays on the floor with no purpose.

~
A TOWEL LAYS ON THE FLOOR
WITH NO PURPOSE AT ALL
EXCEPT TO SOAK UP THE BLOOD
A MEMORY I REGRET
A GUN TO YOUR HEAD
IT KILLS ME INSIDE
FOR LETTING MYSELF DESTROY YOU.
~


No i didn't really kill someone. Its just a poem i found... found in my mind. Sometimes I have dreams. Pretty messed up dreams. I'm not going to describe them here... Not now not never. Some things are meant to keep to ourselves.


A second, a minute, a hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.

Time is what really kills us.. Time.