My Blog, What else?

I got the best Christmas present I could ask for. I got someone who loves me. I hope he loves me at least. I last updated on Christmas eve.. and i don't know how many days it is after.. and I don't know how many days I've been talking to this boy.. not many.. but it seems like I've known him for years.. his charming words..and his sincerity have me already falling head over heals for him. I can't stand going through this again. I can't take being so worried that he's gonna hurt me. If he hurts me.. I don't know what will happen. I have such an urge to stay closed up.. and just hide. Hide from everything he's putting in front of me, but the other half of me wants to open up and let him in. Let him know everything about me, let him love me, and let me love him. I'm just scared, scared of what could be lies... What could be a mistake. Because guess what side is winning... My dreams about him are so detailed... the one I had tonight.. He sat there and held me. He held me tightly as I gently weeped. He told me that there is no reason to cry, no reason to be upset. Rubbing my back.. thats all it was. I was only asleep for an half an hour, and I hated that I woke up. I barely have slept at all tonight. I know i'm always ranting on about someone.. but I feel so different. I don't feel comfortable but I do at the same time. I feel like he cares. That's never happened before, its so new to me... I'm a hidden angel. When he said that to me, Warm tears went down my cheeks. I looked up and the ceiling and cried in silence, just like i had in the dream. I wish i could hear his voice, touch his skin, feel his lips pressed up against mine, I wish he really could hold me tightly, and tell me that life will be better now that I'm his, and I promised myself that I will make that happen someday.. I don't wanna lose him. I really hope he feels the same way. I love you.. I don't love you... I can't love you.. Why do I love you.. but oh yes I do.. I love you so much.. so much it hurts... I know what a crush is.. but I haven't even seen his face.. I've fallen for his words... Where's the parachute.. I need to slow down.. but the rush is so appealing to me. If I'm falling, I never wanna stop. I wanna stay like this in mid air, looking at the stats shimmering in the sky, with you right by my side. I'm glad I added you, I'm glad I got the courage to ask so many questions, I'm glad you make me feel so good about myself, and for once in my life, I can look at myself and say, "I'm loved." Even if its a lie.. keep pretending. Please just keep pretending.. it hurts so good. Take a knife and slash my wrists, beat me till I fall numb to the floor, I will suffer through nose bleeds, black eyes, broken ribs, bruises, anything you need to do... just to be with you... but.... even if you don't love me... just be happy... so I know that you're okay.. even if you're not with me.