I'm giving up.

I don't know why this time but I'm ready to brake, I'm ready to snap in two. Ready to just go and die. Somethings going through my brain causing me to be so angry and mad at everyone for everything for all the things people have done to me I'm blaming everyone for it, because it is their fault. This isn't my fault that I'm ready to cry it's theirs.

Pain is always caused by someone else.

That's the sad truth. The sad god damn fucking truth. I wish it wasn't. We all aim our anger at other people causing them sadness and hurt and pain.

If we all learned to love each other their would be no more Depression. No more. We all could say that someone loves us.

I am one of the people that feels so upset by these people I really can't tell myself honestly that I am beautiful, That SOMEONE loves me. I can't let myself believe that. I tell myself all the good things but seriously I can't. Rebounding those compliments comes insults.

I want to be destroyed.

I want to be dead.

I want to be loved.


Tree's rustle with the sound of the wind
a soft hum as it blows
Listening in deep thought
Wonder crawls into my mind
Why am I the way I am
Who will end up loving me
When is the right time
What are the right words
Where will it all happen.
I really cannot know
How this will all come together
But I have hope
Hope is all I really need now
Faith as well
Count on faith and my hope
Maybe it will be enough
But how Can I tell?
I can't
I just got to trust
Even if it's hard
I gotta trust.

Love The way you lie- Eminem Ft Rhianna.

I've been searching for Him but it's really a Her.

I'm always complaining about how I don't have a boyfriend. How I'll never find that perfect guy. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place.


Maybe I should look for a Girl.

I know this girl who is amazing. She's special and perfect in every way. She may wish she was popular and like all those other people but she is wonderful the way she is. If only I could get her to understand that. If I could get her to understand that the way she is now, everything about her is perfect, the way it is. Then maybe I'd make her happy. Happier than she ever seems to be.

I think I love her.

I don't know why. I've never felt this way towards a girl before but this is just different. Maybe what I'm thinking is true.

It might not be a Him. It might be a Her.
Instead of waiting for my prince charming, maybe I should wait for a Princess. Just maybe.


I go outside and look around
The leaves blow slowly with the wind
Looking in a direction
I rarely ever see
no one is there
the pitter patter of the rain begins
Sky's are turning Grey
My eyes shoot up
To see raindrops like bullets of a gun
Shooting down onto the pavement
Standing their I watch
as my clothes absorb the water
I stand and watch
for to me it is all I can do.


Beautiful- Eminem.

2 Days into my vacation.

It's been two days. Two days since school ended. Two days into my summer. Two days less until the seventh grade. I'm scared. Correction I'm not scared. I'm worried. I'm worried about what will happen to me.

I don't know what to write about at this time. I don't really have problems. I'm content with being single right now. I didn't make Jubilation, so what? I got next year. I don't need a guy to be happy. I'm happy with myself. You guys should be to.

Well Me and my best friend Emily are going to see a Justin Bieber concert in November! I'm not really a JB fan, but his songs are catchy, and he's cute. For someone who's 16. He looks like my age, Honestly though if a guy came up to me singing 'Never let you go' or 'One Time' or 'Love me' or 'One Less Lonely Girl' I'd be overly joyed. His songs fill people with hope and someday I wanna do that. With my writing... my family says I might become a Actress someday. I'm good in the drama department. You know what I mean? I've dealt with a lot of stuff. I just realized lately I haven't been writing poetry. Maybe I should try. I don't really have emotions. Maybe that's why. Well it's okay. It's a good thing that I'm happy with life. I haven't had any problems. I haven't been crying. I haven't been lonely. I've been fine. I like being single. I like being here. I like that I'm moving. I like that I'm going to a concert. I like that I'm almost a 7th grader. It's all okay. <3


Soul mates
We all will find ours eventually
I look to the sky's
and swear I see someone
Smiling down at me
But when I look closer
it's only the stars shining a path
for me to walk down
My own special rode
Thinking to my self
I'll always wonder
We're I would go if I took another path
Or if i we're to run into someone
Taking my same way?
To me that's what a soul mate is
Someone you run into
On the way through your life
Someone you don't wanna let go
Someone you can't forget about
It's different from a first love
It's stronger
and you follow them wherever they go
and if you turn away
they'll come following you .
Soul mates.
We all have them.


Never Let you go- Justin Bieber.

Summer.

It's summer now. It started yesterday. Our last day of school. I'm really not ready to grow up. Thinking about all of this has made me cry before. Soon I'll be in high school. Then I'll be out of college. I'll be at the alter with my fiance ready to be married. Then I'll have a little baby on the way. Then I'll watch my baby grow up to. I'll watch him/her standing with his/her fiance getting married. Then I'll watch my baby have its baby. Then I'll die.


Life passes by us so fast we can't even remember it all. We can't remember we're we planned to go. I'm moving away now. I'm leaving the house I've lived in for 6 almost 7 years. It's being taken away from me. I don't know we're I am going now. I don't know we're I'm going to live. But I know I'm going to be moving before the month ends. And that's soon. We're supposed to go to an apartment. But now I realized I don't wanna leave. I don't wanna move on. Life is passing me. Time is hurting me. Summer is here, soon I'll be in 7th grade. With my new teachers. Then It will already be 8th grade. I'm not ready to move on. But I Don't have a choice now do I. I just gotta watch it all go through my eyes. I may be alone now, but I will find someone. I will find someone eventually. I hope eventually is soon. But I doubt that.

I'm not afraid. To Take a Stand.

I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Well not of that. I'm sick of being pushed around. The clicks of my key board is comforting. But I'm going to drift off and set them straight. I'm not afraid. I may be alone for now. But I am not afraid. I won't be afraid again. I promise you that. I'm not going to cry every night, I'll fall a sleep with dignity and I'll awake with power. With strength. With life. I'll act alive. I will know longer hide. I'll stand out in the sun.

I will Survive the horrible, terrible, disgusting, painful, hurtful game that we all call Life.


Not Afraid- Eminem.

Time for me to grow up.

I don't wanna do this anymore..
I don't wanna be the reason why...
Every time I walk out the door...
I see him die a little more inside..

I wish I knew what they thought of me. What they said about me. If they lied to me. If they liked me. If they loved me. If they despised me. If they wished me dead.


I know what I wish for. I wish for love, safety, passion, and I wish for peace. I seem to have none of the above, I get a joke, I get harm, I get loneliness, and I get hate. "Don't let em tell you you ain't beautiful." Eminem, a good wrapped, a friend of mind. I'll never meet him and I'll never tell him my story. But its good to know that someone who has it even harder, manages to get through life.

For me sometimes I wish I would just die. But honestly, death will never be my solution. I look back at time I throw myself against the wall just for the pain, I sit in a corner and cry, I cry until I fall a sleep and I think about what I seem I'll never obtain.

My family always seems like theirs no love. No caring. When I dream I am in my perfect world, were It doesn't matter that I'm so ugly. Everyone is accepting, there I don't need to cry anymore I sing myself to sleep. I don't wish to die. I don't wish to be hurt. My dream world. If I had my own there. I would be perfect.

No one wants to feel the pain of others. But Its been all I can do. I try pushing away my own pain but in return I get the others person, I listen to the problems. I don't want them to be hurt anymore, but its only me being selfish. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I try to fix it all. I can't, and all it does is hurt me more. I put this on myself every day. I can't remember when I fixed something for myself. I spend all my time working out ways to have friends, and keep the ones I had, or I spend my days day dreaming about the love others have and the love I wish i had. Me I will never get that love.


But I love to watch others. I love watching others fall in love.

P JHZG KQAB RFG AYLQ KPN.

That's my secret language. I made it a little while ago. I really don't know why I did. But heres how it goes...

H=A
R=B
J=C
M=D
Q=E
V=F
C=G
K=H
P=I
X=J
E=K
A=L
N=M
Z=N
Y=O
B=P
S=Q
T=R
D=S
G=T
F=U
L=V
O=W
W=X
I=Y
U=Z

Unfaithful- Rhianna

Victory.

Defeat.

Victory.

We all consider a game to either win, or to lose. Honestly I seem to think their is no win or lose. Equality is my purpose... What am I talking about. As you can tell I want to be number 1. I want to be the best of the best, sadly I could never achieve the goal I am aiming for. Perfect. Remember when I talked all about that? Yep..It's impossible. People say that nothing is Impossible. But Perfection is. Everyone has at least one flaw.

When I "lose" it is depressing. I don't know what your words on it are, but in my opinion I can't stand it. I just wanna smash a wall until I am announced winner. There for I am a sore loser. (It's very smart to let me win :)). Sore losers are people who over react to losing. Who won't deal with a defeat. Who must gain victory. We all have that urge to be competitive and win once and a while. Even the laziest of people want to win at something. Even nerds! They want to win at Video games don't they? They get angry when they can't win. Defeat.


I lose at life.

Everyday I go on living and I really don't know where I'm walking. This year is ending and where have I gone with myself? No where. I complain all the time. The only thing I've gone through with is my Jubilation audition. Yes, I did do it. Yesterday. It was harder than I expected. How many of you actually care? None? Oh well I'm gonna tell you about it anyway. I had to go in, and they were video taping us. I sang my song... But I had to read off music from a sheet... and I have no idea how I was supposed to do that. I tried my best. And maybe..JUST MAYBE I will have a small chance of getting in.

I've never really believed in myself for anything. I've never thought I was good enough to go on with live. To live through the pain. To fix others hurt. To want to love. To need to love. To Be Loved. When I smile I smile for other peoples happiness,and never for my own. I can't remember the last time I smiled because I WANTED to smile. The last time I laughed because I NEEDED to laugh. All I do is write... Writing makes me happy. It takes all my emotions that are unwanted everything that makes me cry everything that hurts me inside every single thing and throws it all away. So all I have is a smile. :)

When I was little I remember sitting up all night crying. Crying because I had no one. Crying because I wasn't pretty enough. Crying because no one cared. Crying because of what they said. I cried until I fell a sleep. Than when I took the 15min walk home from elementary school and I sat down. Took out my homework. And cried about that to. I was so stupid I couldn't even understand what I was doing anymore. What the teachers said, it never got into my head. I never gained knowledge. All these years I've Guessed. But I've gotten along. And I've had a... Okay... Life. So far at least.


When you cry yourself to sleep
You have no where left to turn
Every time its more nightmares
sitting alone in your room
the only sounds being the rain
that drops onto your roof
as you wonder when
someone will finally say
They Care.


Viva La vida- Coldplay :)

I hate him...I hate him not...

You've broken my heart before but yet I go on to love you so strongly. At the same time I can't help but hate you with such a passion. It kills me to know that you might now love me. Does it kill you to know that I might not love you? Honestly I don't know what I'm feeling right now. It could be hatred, love, sadness, anger. It makes me feel pathetic to know I barely can recognize my own emotions.

Sad
Mad
Glad
Happy
Depressed
Joy
Sadness
Trust
Disgust
Fear
Anger
Surprise.

Their are so many names for the different things we feel. It's impossible to name them all, we all feel something new everyday, and we really can't imagine how other people feel either. We just guess and hope for the best. What they're feeling might be completely different to how they appear on the outside. Is it just me or do you wonder to about what people are thinking, the second the look at you. Do you wish that even for a minute you could travel inside someones mind to see what they see and to feel what they feel. Their pain is your pain. Their happiness is your happiness. The main emotions I guess would be, Sad, Mad, Happy, Scared.

Sad. We all know the feeling, feeling it at different times for completely different reasons. For me..Well that's kinda personal. But I know when I feel that way I cry, I'll cry for hours and all I want to be is alone. Even though I'm always complaining about how I hate being alone and How i don't want to be alone it feels good to be alone. Somewhere were no one can see you and no one can tell you what to do and what to think where to go where not to go. I wish I had that everyday, But life doesn't call for that now does it?

Happy. A bright smile on your face and laughter bursts out of you uncalled for. When your around your closest friends and your all giggling over inside jokes. Making each other feel so special. When your at the top of the world and nothing can tear you down. Playing catch, having a all night phone conversation with the one you adore. You feel enlightened. Brightened. Happy.

Mad. The feeling that makes you wanna punch somebody in the face till they feel the way you feel. When you can't stand to look at anyone and all you wanna do is punch the wall over and over again so even it might feel the pain you feel. Rage. Trying to transfer that pain to anything else so you don't have so much and it completely takes over your thoughts and then you just... Lose Control.

Scared. God this is an easy one. I'm feeling it right now. Your stomach drops. You go pale. You change your mind. Whatever your thinking goes blank. "I Don't wanna do this anymore." I have my jubilation auditions on Tuesday. I can't help but be scared, nervous.

With my Jubilation I've been practicing long and hard for it. Like i said before. It's really important to me. If i don't get in I'll be crushed. But I won't show it. Obviously I won't That would make everyone right about me. Wouldn't it?

Or would it just prove my point?

I'm a loser.





Song For post..

Breakeven :)

Sweet..Sweet..Boredom.

Boredom. A terrible disease that has very few cures and everyday people are cursed to catch it. But luckily I have the cure for this very very horrible disease! Marshmellows :O) Well, marshmellows and mini golfing. Those are some of the very few cures for boredom. I am glad I have come to a conclusion where I can fix my ishues. Also, I blog. Blogging is the best thing I have since your always listening, or are you? I really don't know. I get no response from you guys.. Oh well. You haft to be listening. Otherwise I'm just a pathetic loser who types on this every day/ every other day. I really pour my heart out on this thing. My opinion on life. It seems like it actually counts when I put it up on here. Maybe it does.

Well, 2 days until Jubilation auditions.

Watch me be a failure and totally drop out like I go up there smile and then leave because I can't find the courage to do it. I'm so scared. I know the song perfectly, and I've practiced long and hard. I really wanna get in, its my goal. Im almost positive I won't though. Sadly a lot of kids are trying out, and most of them are a lot better than I'll ever be. I still have a chance though!

If I get in I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs crying because I'm so proud of myself for even trying to get in and I'd dance and laugh and my life would be good for that moment at least.

If I don't get in I'll look over and say "told you so", brush it off and move on with life. I can try again next year but still. Whatever. Its not a big deal If I'm not good enough for it. More free time for me, along with less responsibility and I have more choices to go on, more clubs I can attend, etc.

It kinda depends on my choices to were I end up.

Live Life
Laugh Hard
Stay True
Be You.

That's my modo, and it's true. We gotta learn to live life, and forget about what has hurt us the most. Learn to be yourself and whoever likes you, you have the pleasure of knowing that they like you for you and not what you pretend to be. I rather have a thousand people hate me and a couple of people like me for who I am then have a thousand people like me for what I keep pretending to me. I think that's how everyone would want it. Don't you think?



Laugh when You need to laugh
and smile when you need to smile
Cry to make yourself feel better
and don't let them even have the pleasure
happiness will always find its way
into your life exspecially when you need it.

:)

Song for post..
um...
um....
ummm....


IDK! :P

Cya.

That Boy...Lets trade?

Well, My girls..
In the next room..
Sometime I wish she was you..
I guess we never really moved on.


That's the song I haft to sing for my Jubilation auditions. On tuesday. 3 days. From now. I memorized the whole thing. Well at least the first 2 parts of it. It reminds me of this guy...who I'm in love with. But he's my friend boyfriend. And I'm screwed. If she reads this I'm honestly like dead. I can't ever have her find out I'm in love with him...I'd be hated, why do I get in these situations? I guess I'm just a failure at life. I always have been havn't I!!

Told You So.

Didn't I? I gave you reasons over and over again why I'm not good enough for anyone. Not even my boyfriend, whos a perverted abusive sex addict. I hate it. I wanna end it so bad but I just can't get the guts to. He dosen't even talk to me anymore.. I was in love with. But now..I'm just not. He changed and so did I. He became a pevert, and I became more independent. I think he knows how I feel about this whole thing as well, and he knows that this isn't gonna last to long. Fml. I need to tell him this. What if he really dosen't know how I feel....He'd probably try and fix it. Try and make everything better. It wouldn't work out that way though. It can't be fixed...I wish I could I wish I could love him the way he seems to love me. But honestly I just don't feel that way..He's just...I can't.....I...I wish I could! I wish I could just go back before he hurt me so bad on Christmas eve and love him like that. I was head over heels for him but it just didn't work out...for him. He was "Immature" but I was stupid. If he hadn't changed things would be fine. If he hadn't hurt me life would be good and I would be so happy.


I really don't know What I'm supposed to say for a poem this post. I have nothing to write, well nothing more than what I poured into up there. But if it helps make up for it I have a song, the same one I am singing for Jubilation try outs (select chorus) :)


Lips of an Angel- Hinder.

Pretend.

Lets all pretend....
to be happy...
Completely happy...
Nothing but bliss....
Just for today....
Even if tomorrow...
Brings sorrow...

I feel like All I've been doing is pretending. Pretending the I care. Pretending that I'm there. Pretending That I'm good enough. Pretending I'm in love. Honestly I don't know what I'm feeling. It's a new thing. It hurts though. I feel pain and I feel depression.. I should be thrilled. I should be in utter bliss. But I'm just not, I don't feel as strongly as I did before.

You are the brightest star and I'm in love with who you are...

Whenever I talk to him. He says that's true. But I don't believe it. I want to so badly. But I can't believe how anyone could truly love me..for well...me. I'm nothing in the world of everything. If I die nothing would change, I mean so less to the society of earth that I should just go and die. Shouldn't I?


Drop..
I look out the window.
To see the small droplets forming.
and to watch them hit the ground.
As they come down faster
The more into my thought I go.
The more I tend to think
Of all the possibilities
of where I could end up in life.
My mind takes over my life
I do not see anything...
But I hear the deep thoughts
That always remain in the back..
What will happen if I make one wrong decision
will my life become nothing..
or has it always been nothing..
like they all tell me.
I don't know which way to go now.
So I sit watching
Those droplets
Fall down my windowsill.


White Lines and red Lights- Between The Trees.

Things Are Going Good. For now.

A lot has happened sweethearts.

Did ya miss me? I doubt it.

Guess What Guys! I got a Boyfriend. Maybe I'm not such a pathetic loser as I seem to be. I told you bout the guy that broke my heart and dumped me on Christmas Eve right? Ya I got back together with him. Stupid decision, but a part of my heart never was able to say Goodbye. I couldn't help but ask him back out . I love him! But I love you all to. :) Ryan, that's his name has always been here to listen. He's not the cutest of people but he's been close to my heart for a long time. Since October at least. Longer than I've known my best friend, Selena. She is seriously my everything, without her I'd be no one I'd be alone. I wouldn't have Ryan right now because without her I wouldn't have anything to talk about with Jordan and last night I had a sleepover with Jordan who got me to ask out Ryan again. So. I owe it all to Selena for my happy life <3

I feel like I'm gonna be hurt again, Like this is just another pointless joke and I'll be with no one and be alone again. For now I'm giving it a try, because Honestly I do love him. I just can't tell him that. It would be weird...I'm gonna ease up on the whole Love thing. Love is a difficult thing to explain. You just know what you know and what you know is what you stick to. What I know now, is that I love him and now he's mine. This time I won't screw it up, I'm gonna back off and not be so obsessive. When I first dated him I was ALL OVER him. Nonstop missing him, nonstop talking to him, always wanting him to call me, always begging him to stay. This time I'm gonna be normal. If he says he loves me I'll agree and repeat the same words back. For now I stay...Quiet. Ya that's a good word to use. Quiet.

Did I mention, I just got back from watching Fireworks with my friends Jordan+Emily and this new awesome 5th grade Mikey! Mikey really can sing, and I mean he's REALLY good at it. His brother asked me out once...his brothers in 9th grade....Awkward. But I like Mikey. NOT IN THAT WAY. He's the new Brendan P. :)

I just realized its 11:17. I missed 11:11 :( My wish would be for him to come on and talk to me! But I'm not gonna let anyone know that..Except you guys :) Promise to keep my secrets? Okay Good. Well I think I've bored you enough with my long details of how I feel.

Poem for Post!

I'm In Love
For The Last Time
and For the First Time
I never stopped
He was My One
But It went on
and On
He broke my heart
It shattered with a pow
I never was able to repair
But I regained his love
and Finally
I start over with what I say
Three words begin the relationship
I Love You.


Song Of the post:
Fer Sure- Medic Droid. :0)

Ttyl Guys :)