Victory.

Defeat.

Victory.

We all consider a game to either win, or to lose. Honestly I seem to think their is no win or lose. Equality is my purpose... What am I talking about. As you can tell I want to be number 1. I want to be the best of the best, sadly I could never achieve the goal I am aiming for. Perfect. Remember when I talked all about that? Yep..It's impossible. People say that nothing is Impossible. But Perfection is. Everyone has at least one flaw.

When I "lose" it is depressing. I don't know what your words on it are, but in my opinion I can't stand it. I just wanna smash a wall until I am announced winner. There for I am a sore loser. (It's very smart to let me win :)). Sore losers are people who over react to losing. Who won't deal with a defeat. Who must gain victory. We all have that urge to be competitive and win once and a while. Even the laziest of people want to win at something. Even nerds! They want to win at Video games don't they? They get angry when they can't win. Defeat.


I lose at life.

Everyday I go on living and I really don't know where I'm walking. This year is ending and where have I gone with myself? No where. I complain all the time. The only thing I've gone through with is my Jubilation audition. Yes, I did do it. Yesterday. It was harder than I expected. How many of you actually care? None? Oh well I'm gonna tell you about it anyway. I had to go in, and they were video taping us. I sang my song... But I had to read off music from a sheet... and I have no idea how I was supposed to do that. I tried my best. And maybe..JUST MAYBE I will have a small chance of getting in.

I've never really believed in myself for anything. I've never thought I was good enough to go on with live. To live through the pain. To fix others hurt. To want to love. To need to love. To Be Loved. When I smile I smile for other peoples happiness,and never for my own. I can't remember the last time I smiled because I WANTED to smile. The last time I laughed because I NEEDED to laugh. All I do is write... Writing makes me happy. It takes all my emotions that are unwanted everything that makes me cry everything that hurts me inside every single thing and throws it all away. So all I have is a smile. :)

When I was little I remember sitting up all night crying. Crying because I had no one. Crying because I wasn't pretty enough. Crying because no one cared. Crying because of what they said. I cried until I fell a sleep. Than when I took the 15min walk home from elementary school and I sat down. Took out my homework. And cried about that to. I was so stupid I couldn't even understand what I was doing anymore. What the teachers said, it never got into my head. I never gained knowledge. All these years I've Guessed. But I've gotten along. And I've had a... Okay... Life. So far at least.


When you cry yourself to sleep
You have no where left to turn
Every time its more nightmares
sitting alone in your room
the only sounds being the rain
that drops onto your roof
as you wonder when
someone will finally say
They Care.


Viva La vida- Coldplay :)