Long time no type.

I haven't written in this blog for a good year. It's technically christmas eve now, so two posts ago I had written on christmas eve last year when I was rejected by Loucas. I won't go into to much detail, but he's doing very well. I miss him very much, I wouldn't consider him much of a friend, we never really did talk after that, but he did move quite a few states away. So, things happen. It's life, what am I supposed to do about it. But yeah, Merry Christmas.

I remember writing here how scared I was to go into the 7th grade, how I didn't want things to change. Now all I want is to be changed, to change, to be considered normal for once. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. Not yet. Soon enough. I just gotta enjoy this holiday.

But yah now being here in 8th grade it's difficult, mentally more than academically. I'm getting A's and B's, rather than C's and D's, like last year. I'd say this is quite and improvement. I've gotten better at hiding my depression with fake smiles, laughs, love and hugs. I still don't feel like I get any of it back. I hit 3 months no cutting the other day, I was proud of myself. I've wanted to many times but I haven't and it really is a since of pride. A major accomplishment someone like me can make.

I also promised myself I wouldn't go to the library ever again, but I lied because I still spend a lot of time there. I'm hoping I can limit myself to just going on thursdays now just to change out books. There was some Drama going on and I just don't wanna deal with people like them anymore. It's not worth my time and frustration. No one here is worth the pain they cause anymore, choosing between being myself and being what seems to fit in. I don't like to have to make that decision.

But yeah, I will be leaving this town. I will be going somewhere new. Soon enough it will be high school. Soon enough it will be college. and who knows, maybe i'll be with child, I hope not to soon though haha.

Merry Christmas Guys.
Cya.

I got the best Christmas present I could ask for. I got someone who loves me. I hope he loves me at least. I last updated on Christmas eve.. and i don't know how many days it is after.. and I don't know how many days I've been talking to this boy.. not many.. but it seems like I've known him for years.. his charming words..and his sincerity have me already falling head over heals for him. I can't stand going through this again. I can't take being so worried that he's gonna hurt me. If he hurts me.. I don't know what will happen. I have such an urge to stay closed up.. and just hide. Hide from everything he's putting in front of me, but the other half of me wants to open up and let him in. Let him know everything about me, let him love me, and let me love him. I'm just scared, scared of what could be lies... What could be a mistake. Because guess what side is winning... My dreams about him are so detailed... the one I had tonight.. He sat there and held me. He held me tightly as I gently weeped. He told me that there is no reason to cry, no reason to be upset. Rubbing my back.. thats all it was. I was only asleep for an half an hour, and I hated that I woke up. I barely have slept at all tonight. I know i'm always ranting on about someone.. but I feel so different. I don't feel comfortable but I do at the same time. I feel like he cares. That's never happened before, its so new to me... I'm a hidden angel. When he said that to me, Warm tears went down my cheeks. I looked up and the ceiling and cried in silence, just like i had in the dream. I wish i could hear his voice, touch his skin, feel his lips pressed up against mine, I wish he really could hold me tightly, and tell me that life will be better now that I'm his, and I promised myself that I will make that happen someday.. I don't wanna lose him. I really hope he feels the same way. I love you.. I don't love you... I can't love you.. Why do I love you.. but oh yes I do.. I love you so much.. so much it hurts... I know what a crush is.. but I haven't even seen his face.. I've fallen for his words... Where's the parachute.. I need to slow down.. but the rush is so appealing to me. If I'm falling, I never wanna stop. I wanna stay like this in mid air, looking at the stats shimmering in the sky, with you right by my side. I'm glad I added you, I'm glad I got the courage to ask so many questions, I'm glad you make me feel so good about myself, and for once in my life, I can look at myself and say, "I'm loved." Even if its a lie.. keep pretending. Please just keep pretending.. it hurts so good. Take a knife and slash my wrists, beat me till I fall numb to the floor, I will suffer through nose bleeds, black eyes, broken ribs, bruises, anything you need to do... just to be with you... but.... even if you don't love me... just be happy... so I know that you're okay.. even if you're not with me.

He gave me an early answer. Today. He told me he had come up with an answer, and I told him to tell me what he had come up with. Exact words he said this..

"Ok kyleigh Your really nice. And I wanna be friends. But right now. At this point in time. i dont wanna date you. I can tell I will in the future. I promise But right now I don't want a relationship beyond friends with you. but itll happen someday i swear. And i still wanna be friends. But right now as it is I don't wanna ruin anything. itd be good to go out. But i think we could be really really good friends. And I dont wanna ruin that potential. I hope you understand."

It hurt. He was so sweet about it to. I don't know why, I'm positive he doesn't care about me. No one has ever cared about me. I've never trusted anyone enough to let them in, but people seem to put their trust in me. Why was he so nice... Why Couldn't he just say no and let it be at that?

He's still coming to the mall on sunday though. Best part? I'm giving him a ride. How wonderful is that. More days were I pretend I'm okay, but in my mind, i'm dieing. Breaking apart.

As you can tell this christmas eve isn't going so well. My mom is running low on money, but i guess the step dad i hate o so much helped us pull through. I hate him, but if my moms happy because of him I owe him alot.

I got reminded of my favorite dream.. where im in a meadow.. laying down.. singing..

~Todays memory might not be the fondest, but its not something i can regret, i gave it a try, i gave it a try, it didn't work out in my favor, but i did the best that i could, i gave it a try I gave it a try... just as i should.~

I'm not a good writer hah.. I never have been, i like writing though, its more of an outlit than something I wanna be good at. Its to express myself, not to be better than everyone else. Its just what I wanna be doing... all the time. I like the way some words sound together.
Grown and known.

Todays problems have grown..
but its all my fault..
I should have known...
He was not to trust
I let him in to fast.
Take me away noww.

I'm in tears right now, for some reason, its a mystery. I'm listening to Remembering sunday by all time low. I love them, for an unknown reason. Thats the song of the post by the way. Meaning I'm going to be ending this soon. I haven't written this much for a while, and i'm sorry i'm in such a bad mood. It's just the way I am.. I should appreciate what I have... each bad event will turn itself into a good one.. You gotta get through the rain to see a rainbow.. and I can just feel it.. I'm so close to the warmth of the sun.. and the beauty of the colors in the sky. I'm just a heartbeat a way... Time to push away whats holding me back.

Merry Christmas.

Kyleigh.

AHH! :( ITS SO AMLL

Sorry is this has alot of typo's because its really confusing me the screen is looking really small I just have a lot to say right now, I'm like extremely svcared.

I told you i gave up on Aidan right? Well when he's put me through all this shit I decided it would be better if me and him are just friends.

But theres a new person in my life. OMG SOMEONE OTHER THAN AIDAN? Yes there is. It's different for me to.

I would say his name but i don't wanna make that mistake again. But i did ask him out and he said maybe. and hes gonna tell me yes or no on sunday. I want sunday to come. Like now. Well this is really annoying me so i'll make a second post later today when i figure out how to fix this..?

...

How much do you want my hair? Alot. Of course you do. For once I'm actually happy with the way I look, and life is going decently okay. I never really post anymore, sorry:( I use tumblr sometimes but its just not the same as classic old blogpost. I got this done earlier today, and everyone seems to like it:) Its something new, something.... different, ya know?

Life is a happy thing. It can be. Well not really. ITS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! Hahah off topic but I'm excited, I'm gonna get hair dye to put streaks in my hair 2. I look alot older now, but i guess in a way I am older.

The song of this post is Dying to survive which is really touching to me and helped me in my time of need.
I have nothing to really put as a poem, I've been writing raps lately but they really suck as most of the stuff I do does. :)

Ttyl<3

Some people want it all...

But I don't want nothing it all,
If it aint you baby,
If I aint got you baby..
Some people want diamond rings..
Some just want everythang..
But everythang mean nothing..
If i aint got you...


I shouldn't be ashamed..I have not one reason to be ashamed of who I am.. I am who I am for a reason, and I was put on this world for someone, and when I find that someone I'll look back and laugh on how i was in such of a hurry to find them...

I love you already..

Give up on love..
Then love can come..
and sweep you off your feet.
Like the wind takes the leaves away...

A towel lays on the floor with no purpose.

~
A TOWEL LAYS ON THE FLOOR
WITH NO PURPOSE AT ALL
EXCEPT TO SOAK UP THE BLOOD
A MEMORY I REGRET
A GUN TO YOUR HEAD
IT KILLS ME INSIDE
FOR LETTING MYSELF DESTROY YOU.
~


No i didn't really kill someone. Its just a poem i found... found in my mind. Sometimes I have dreams. Pretty messed up dreams. I'm not going to describe them here... Not now not never. Some things are meant to keep to ourselves.


A second, a minute, a hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.

Time is what really kills us.. Time.

What is so wrong?

People ask me why I'm so depressed all the time. I don't understand what's wrong.. I never understand why I cry. People say I want "attention" that's not what I'm looking for. I just want someone to understand.

Someone to know what i've gone through, and how sometimes life just seems to hard the take. I shouldn't be this way. I'm 12 years old, but everyone hates me. I barely have any friends at all, and the friends I supposedly have want me to kill myself? How is that gonna make me feel better. How is that gonna make me feel loved. How is that gonna give me something to live for.

Sometimes I wonder what its like in church, were god is your savor. Were u feel like someones listening, i never feel like anyone's listening. I see empty walls and no words spoken. A silenced room with cold stares.

I can't tell anymore but I'm crying

I keep being told that I've changed, that everything i was is no more. What am i? I can't figure it out.

Bye for now.. Kyleigh.

Broken Trust and Broken Hearts.

Thanks for breaking my heart.
Thanks for making me stronger.
Thanks for making me hate who I am.
Thanks for telling me I'm not good enough.
Thanks for sticking me in therapy.
Thanks for never caring.
Thanks for leaving me alone.

I'm heartbroken, and worthless, no love no affection, torn to pieces, torn apart, no direction, no heart, gettin old, the world has gone cold, left alone, the wind won't stop blowin, breaking down, can't save me now, i'm out of time, nothing left but this rhyme, its like a crime, that I can't be saved, i can't behave, i can't teach, I can't reach to preach, I can't grab your hand, i'm stuck in the quicksand, my body goes stiff, i'm staring down the cliff, one more step and i'm overboard, maybe i'll wash up on the shore, but i'll keep wanting more, keep wanting more, as there is no love to give, no life to live, more hearts are brakin, more lives are taken, we can save them all, we start off in a crawl, we learn to walk, then we run, run away from the past, cause we know this will never last, i'm done with the games, its just not the same, I'm not like i used to be, I'm no longer me.

Sadly.

~
Pretty isn't good enough,
You have to be gorgeous to get by,
Normal isn't what guys want,
They all want whores,
When the people with the best hearts,
Get the guys who treat them dreadfully,
The girls who can't stand straight,
Get the best guys and all the love,
Sadly for me,
I'm not even pretty,
I'm not normal,
I'm horribly ugly,
and I'm weird as can be,
So I get nobody.
Because to get somewhere in this world,
You have to be stunning and a whore,
Because sadly if you're not,
You got whats left over from them,
and unfortunately if you're me,
you get absolutely nothing.
~

Sorry.

I really should pay more attention to this. It's not like anyone reads it anyway, who wants to hear about the problems a teenage girl ends up going through and how she over comes whatever problem shes thinking of only to gain about 6 more. It weighs down my heart when i can't help everyone in need, I know it's impossible to help EVERYONE, but i seriously wish I could. Because life. Is. Hard.

I think I'm finally over Aidan. I want him a part of my life.. but he honestly doesn't want me there with him. He hates me, and I know he does. He's never liked me but I had some strange illusion that maybe just maybe he could care about me to. But nope, i was oh so wrong, he's "done" with me, I love how he lies to me to. I love how my sister lies to me. I like how no one tells me the fucking truth. It's amazing that I'm so stupid and so idiotic I actually believe people when they talk to me. I hate my sister.

I hate Aidan Broderick.

I can say he ruined my life, he's reminded me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not pretty enough, that I'm annoying, that I'm a bitch, he's called me a whore, and put so much stress on my life. I really wish some guy would come in my life that likes me for who I am, and not who I always pretend to be.

When I'm in a good mood, I'm the best person to be friends with, you just can't piss me off, and its hard for me to become angry at people. Unless you hurt me deeply I rarely get mad. Getting me mad leads to several things.

1. Losing me as a friend
2. A major ass whooping.
3. Life turned into hell.

I'm not in the mood to really tell you what I'm thinking of, because I really don't know anymore. My mind is scrambled I'm a puzzle that no one is willing to put together. It's hard to understand me, unless you really know me, and unless I tell you all my secrets, I'm glued shut.

Did anyone thinks of pliers? I'm pretty sure that could get the book of me open hahah

Well its 1am and I have school tomorrow.. and therapy.. and a school dance. I promise I'll update sooner<3

Believe it or not I love ya guys.
l(Yl_EIGl-l S@N(l-lEZ

Kaiden? Aylegih? Whaa?

Yes, if me and Aidan were dating those would be our couple name. Lol. I wish we were, I really do love him, and I really am deeply obsessed with the boy. He's so adorable <3 UN-RE-SIS-TABLE I tell ya, to bad though I claimed him:) Well that's kinda mean because it means he has not a chance with anyone in the Winchester area. I feel bad, but I love him so much. It would kill me if he was with anyone else. Don't you know the feeling?

~Aidan dating someone I know~
Aidan: I love you!
Girl: I love you 2!
Me: ~dies~

The end.

That wouldn't be to great now would it? I don't think my friends would be happy to attend my funeral, I'm pretty sure Aidan would throw a party and hit on my sister. I wish I was Kelsey sometimes, She has everything I want, and even the few things I need.
Aidan why can't you love me instead? Why am I not good enough? Why can't ANYONE love me? It just isn't fair. I've never had a serious relationship. Aidan is the person I've liked the longest, and yes this post is all about him. If you don't wanna hear about him, then don't read this because every word I say is about him. He's tall and skinny but not to skinny he has chub to him, and his hair goes down to his shoulders, a dark brown, his brown eyes are the only ones I melt into.

I seriously think the meaning for my life is stalking him.

and he texted me.
<3
LOVE ME PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEE.

Okay I lied..
I'm gonna talk about the one guy I might like more than Aidan.
Ryan.
Ryan D
Not my ex hahah..
I always fall for the guys that live in a different state, and that breaks my heart because no one wants a long distance relationship. Especially with an ugly girl. Like me. He probably wants someone, like all the girls in his state, I wouldn't know. I can't read minds... well not his mind anyway.

Anyway Library sucks and the font I'm typing in is really making me mad, So I'm cutting this post short even though I have much much more I could say. Cya Guys.
Sincerely,
Kyleigh Jewel Sanchez.

Long Time No see.

I haven't written in a long time. I started thinking and remembered that I had a blog. I've been busy with school lately so sorry for not keeping you guys updated.

I've been facing a lot of problems lately. Thinking harder, about what I say and what I do, I went from careless and excited, to paranoid and alone. My surrounding are always known, I know who's watching, and even who isn't. My eyesight has gotten worse, but when I put on my glasses I see a whole new world. It's like I know what they're thinking when they take a glance at me. "It's her.." I'm her. I'm the girl. The girl everyone knows...

Did I tell you that I met a new girl? Well I couldn't have because I haven't updated since early august. Her names Kristina, and she reminds me so much of myself. Maybe she's my rachel? Rachel is my sisters best friend and they had met in 7th grade. Kristina and I already have a lot in common, its fun explaining to her the rules of the school. Were the best place to fit in is, and that's with us, because if I don't love ya, I hate ya, and that's not a good thing. I can ruin a persons life just like that, except Abby Digate's she's untouchable and that bothers me.

I should probably mention Aidan, I still like him yes I admit. To start off this paragraph I will say this statement. "My name is Kyleigh and I am a Aidan Addict". Mhm I admit it it's true:)

Well I'm being kicked off now. I'll update sooner than usual, not like last time, because this is my latest post in over a month.

Cya Later
Kyleigh Jewel Sanchez.

Everyday.

This is before.



and this is after.

They both have a message that is wonderful and that we should all have. I really don't have much to say, But I wanted to show you those. I made them with my close friend Claire and I put them here so I know I'll never lose them.

Thank You for listening,
and thank you for staying with me,
Dear God,
You've helped me through the tough times
I'm sorry I never noticed you.

Sincerely
Kyleigh Jewel Sanchez.

Believe me, it hurts.

I've done bad things before. Things that I regret and things I wish I could take back. People have called me ugly and disgusting and stupid. I believe them. When the tears fall at night that's when I believe them. I believe the words I read, the words I hear. Having no one telling me they're wrong just makes me accept it.


I am a slut.
I am ugly.
I am worthless.
I am idiotic.
I am never going to be loved.
I am never going to be cared for.
I am never going to find my one.
I am never going to be his one.
I am nothing.

Nothing in a world of everything. When I look at what people say about me, I don't think they realize what I go through everyday. Everyday knowing that what they say is true. That what they say will always hurt me.

I've never been truly loved. Love is a lie. Lieing will always hurt. Hurt will always kill me. When I'm finally torn apart, will people miss me when I'm gone? When I lay in the coffin cold as ice.

Will you be the people that say "She deserved it."
Or will you be the one that says, "I wish she hadn't gone."

Will you regret what you've said, or will you laugh at me even harder?

Lonelieness doesn't assure life without hurt.
But it assures life without as much hurt.

When you interact with people everyday some of them are going to make fun of me, some of them will give you the horrible looks that make you cringe and want to curl up and walk away.

Well..
I've been hurt way to much. So I'm just taking myself away from what is causing it.
I must leave now.

I love nothing
I love nobody
I will never love anyone.
Because loving someone, gives them more of a change to hurt me. I won't be able to live through that.

Bye.
Kyleigh Jewel Sanchez.

1...2..3..4.. What comes next?

The title really doesn't have a point I know, but it was something to call this. I'm having trouble breathing right now, god damn it I hate this weather :( I'm looking forward to tomorrow though! Sadly I can't tell you why because I don't want anyone to know ;)

~Darling what is going on honestly that never happened lying is your favorite passion~

Oh Escape the fate how I do love you. Speaking of music, I've been listening to this song by Goodnight nurse called My Only. I'm addicted to it now, but when I go to search it up on youtube it comes up as "the only exception" so I kinda get annoyed about that. Sorry if i'm not my "deep" self today. Or at this moment. I'm just really happy. Some days we really do just have days when we are happy for no apparent reason.

I just wanna turn on the radio and dance and sing!

I'm sorry that I really don't have much to say, making this my shortest blog post yet!!

Bye :(
-Ky

Dee... Doo... Sing my own song.

Sing along
To my song
Come and play
We will stay
forever friends
till the end
Dum dee dooo
Dee doo dummm
Dumm daaa doo
La La La La la.

I'm in a mood were nothing mattes. Where the world could end and I'd be humming something no one would expect me to be humming. la.. La la la... La.. La la laaa... La la... laaa..

To much has happened for me to really explain it all. My boyfriend dumped me for good this time and now he's gay, I went to my best friend to talk to and she flipped out on me thinking about how my ex would feel instead of me, I lost all hope in her and now me and her aren't even really friends. I think this guy is going to ask me out and I hope he does, but if he does I'll be scared to say Yes because of what his best friend had did to me. Remember Aidan? Well he's just being plain confusing, He loves me, He hates me, He needs me, He doesn't care for me. I think I'd be better without him. Easier on me

Also Remember Ryan? Well hes talking to me again. I feel like hes trying to direct my life, Like I'm just following his path and not the path I want to follow. I'll break that off sooner or later. I can't have people telling me what I am supposed to do. He's a year older than me, not 10 yrs older. I can tell whats right and wrong. I'm a big girl now! ;)

I lost friends, but I still have some I guess. I stayed close with some people from Winchester, But I never really talk to them except for my main people that IM/Txt me a lot, or email me. Emails are fun to do though, I've never had a friend who I just email instead of talking to them over the phone or something.

I have a lot to say, but to say I have not a reason to say it because it would be giving you to much information and do I need the world knowing every little detail about me? If anyone is still reading, let me know! Its a little creepy when I write a post, it makes me feel like I'm just talking to myself even though I do that a lot. Wrapping this up, thanks for listening, and sorry I haven't said anything in a while. I may not be a famous blogger, but that doesn't mean I'm nothing. I'm a something in a crowd of better something.

Peace Out Girl Scouts and Live life for you because thats what we all deserve!

Te Amo- Rhianna.

Fairy Tales.

I always thought of falling in love as some fairy tale. Like you have some major event were they save you and you live happily ever after. It doesn't work that way though. You could meet your soul mate over the simplest things. If you go to get coffee one day... It could be the person working there.

Life is full of unexplained events, things that make you want to die, things that make you want to cry, and things that you never want to let go of.

I really don't know what to write. Considering my life has been pretty boring lately. No major events have come up.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away.

We all grow up.. It's sad how fast life flies past us. Am I the only one who wonders who I'll be when I grow up? Who I'll love? Who Will Love Me? What My Children will look like? How do we know... I only know that He/She will be beautiful. No Matter how they are I will love them with everything I have. No matter how young I turn out to be I'll never give them away. I will use everything in my power to keep them with me. How could I abandon my child....

Casidania.
Charlie.

Those are my names.. I don't care, they are strong and remind me of that they will be strong. They will grow up with love and know they can depend on me for anything. I will never make them cry. If it is up to me they will smile all the time.

Growing up is hard
but it happens to everyone
We are children ourselves still
but we will watch our own babies grow
Love them with our everything
Then watch them walk away.

Butterfly Fly Away- Miley Cyrus Ft Billy Ray Cyrus.

Happy Birthday Me.

Today is my birthday, I've gotten a lot of "Happy Birthday Kyleigh!"'s. But my boyfriend hasn't said anything to me yet. I haven't even talked to him. Watch when he logs on him completely ignore me. Like I'm not even his girl friend. I'll be alone, I feel alone. I feel idiotic and stupid and retarded.

How can I even let my mind wander into believing that someone LOVES me. Its impossible. I am a bitch. I'm exactly what they tell me, I'm not good enough for anyone. No one. I fall fast and I fall to hard. I cry for days then move on. No one has loved me back, and people lie trough there teeth everyday saying there my "friend". I don't have friends.

I don't deserve friends. They deserve someone better than me. They have people who are better than me. Why they stick by my side through happiness and depression is a mystery to me. I'm unbearable when I get upset, I'm almost always tearing myself down. I wonder if every time they make fun of me they know I'm dieing a little inside. I'm ready to go kill myself, their words hurt so bad.

Stick and bones may break you bones,
But words will never hurt you.

That's a complete lie. Who ever came up with that quote should die in a hole. If that's true, their is something wrong with me. But there is something wrong with me. With who I am. With who I want to be. There is always something wrong with
"Kyleigh Sanchez."
I hate my name. It just shows off my ugliness. Jennifer, or Maria, or Merissa, or Alisa, they all have beautiful names. And look were they are. They're living happy lives with there best friends.

Love will never find me.
Instead I'll sit alone
Regretting so deeply
That I ever let him go.

Eminem- Toy Soldiers.

Sweet Sweet Sounds...

Ive always wanted to learn piano....
It's made me overjoyed when I heard the notes clutter a room, clinging to any emotion you desire. I've always wished I could say I am proud of myself for making beautiful music. For being able to play a variety of songs, no matter what people ask I'd be able to play. It would make me happy to know I had something, something special, that I loved.

The other day my mom scolded me for writing so much. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize its summer. "You should focus more on your schoolwork." Writing is what keeps me sane, writing what I want to write, writing how I feel. It lets go of the emotions that are unwanted. I think I've explained this all before.

Lately I've been listening to lullaby's, and not ones like Rock a Bye baby. I mean real pieces that make you want to curl up in a ball crying letting go of all those deep thoughts. The kind that make you want to slow dance with the one you love off around your house. The ones that you don't have a choice but to hum along to as it plays, even if there are no words for it you haft to sing.

Bun de dun, dun dun dee, dee dum dun...

Being as emotional as I am I end up crying. Balling my eyes out. Telling everyone I love that I love them, that they ARE special to me, even if I mean nothing to them. Which believe it or not, happens a lot to me. Very few people love me, for who I am. They fall in love with who I pretend to be because I'm scared to show them who I actually am.

If I showed them who I am, they would hate me. I would have no one. Even my family. My family wonders were I got my personality from. I show them who I want to be. Who I wish I was. But who I wish I was, is who I never can be. So I haft to live with my pretend life, hiding my true self.


Bella's Lullaby- Carter Burwhell.